As Margie announced at the beginning of this service, tomorrow is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia. This year, it’s a day when the Equal Rights Coalition (ERC) calls on governments around the globe to react specifically to the potential repercussions of these phobias on marginalized groups. The ERC has published the following statement:
The current pandemic of the coronavirus disease (COVID-19) affects us across all regions and poses an unprecedented threat to public health, socio-economic conditions and the livelihoods of many people. Although the virus may seem to strike indiscriminately, its spread and consequences, along with measures taken to combat the pandemic, affect specific groups differently depending on existing inequalities and exclusion mechanisms in societies and power structures, leaving the most marginalized even more vulnerable. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) persons are amongst the most marginalized and excluded because of historic and ongoing stigma, discrimination, criminalization and violence against them, and they are and will continue to be among those most at risk during this crisis.
So . . . tomorrow is International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia – and yes, of course we are against those things – they're terrible – discrimination against any group is terrible – but do we really understand what we’re against? Do we see this as an important cause to support, or do we understand the real human beings who are experiencing discrimination?
I’d like to tell you a story today, which will hopefully personalize, humanize the whole concept of homosexuality and transgender.
When I was growing up, homosexuality was just not a topic anyone discussed or even thought about, really. During my adolescent years, there were some whispers around the concept, but nothing concrete – just kids talking about a strange phenomenon out there in the world somewhere – nothing that affected me in any way.
I don’t know about you, but for me, the idea of transitioning from one gender to another, when I first encountered the concept, was kind of a science-fiction-y thing , not really in the scope of my reality – until, as a high school teacher, I had a student in one of my classes who was in the process of transitioning. Then, it became very real. My student was having a really tough year – the previous year, he had attended the same school, but as a girl. His peer group was not supportive; he had no friends; he was bullied in the hallways and consequently picked fights with other students, obviously trying to assert himself as a male. His family had rejected him and he was living in a group home, trying to cope with the enormous changes in his life with very little support – and go to school, as well!
After a very frustrating year, he transferred to an alternative school, where social interactions were not as frequent, and the ratio of adults to kids was much higher. I know that this was a much better fit for him, but I lost track of him at that point, and often wonder how he did after that!
My next, life-changing encounter with the concept of transitioning came to me years later, when a former student of mine, Amanda, reconnected with me on Facebook. She invited me to join her blog, in which she regularly recounted her life stories, to a very private number of followers. (And yes, Amanda is her real name, and I emailed her to ask if I had her permission to use her story in this sermon. She said yes – actually, she typed a big, upper case AMEN!)
Now, just before I begin, I want you keep in mind that passage from Matthew that Margie read for us, where Jesus calls a child to Him and instructs His disciples to become like children, if they want to enter the Kingdom of Heaven; and He says that “Whoever welcomes a child in my name welcomes me”.
So back to my story: Amanda was married to her high school sweetheart and the mother of three boys at that time, and her blog was full of funny and serious stories about parenting. Her biggest issue was her nine year old son, who had been having problems for literally years, primarily around school. He didn’t want to go to school, had no friends, hated classes, was depressed and unhappy. Over the next few years, I read how Amanda and her husband were doing everything they could think of to try to help their son – but nothing seemed to be working. The poor little guy was just miserable! Amanda said that they were almost ready to try drugs – anti-depressants – although neither of them liked the idea. Then, one evening, as Amanda and her husband were lying in bed, they received a text from their then eleven year old son – from his bedroom. The text read: “I’m really a girl. Please help me. And please don’t come into my bedroom until you’ve calmed down.” Well, can you imagine how you would have reacted? Amanda and her husband took a minute or two to “calm down” and then went to their son’s bedroom, lay down on either side of him as he huddled, sobbing, under the covers, and just assured him that they loved him, no matter what, and of course they would help him.
Thereafter followed days, weeks, months of talking, counselling, researching – until they were convinced that this was real – their son’s body and gender identity didn’t match. At age 12, barely in time, they took him to their doctor and got him started on hormone blockers, so that he wouldn’t have the humiliation of going through puberty as a boy. Amanda home-schooled him during that first year of transitioning, to avoid the inevitable school teasing from other kids. The following year, she went back to school, wearing her new identity. Amanda said that the transformation was nothing short of miraculous: all of a sudden, she was eager to go to school, she made friends, and most startling of all, she smiled – a lot! Amanda and her husband had a whole new outlook on the concept of transitioning; they now had a happy, well-adjusted daughter.
This story doesn’t end here, however. About a year later, Amanda and her husband were in the car, coming home from a not terribly successful date night. For perhaps the thousandth time, Amanda was trying to figure out what was going wrong in their relationship. She and her husband loved each other; they’d been together since high school, they were raising three children together, yet somehow, there was just something not right in their relationship. For the umpteenth time, Amanda asked her husband if he still loved her; if she was at fault somehow; for the umpteenth time, he said no, of course not, and of course he still loved her. Given their recent and ongoing experience with their daughter, and out of a warped sense of the ridiculous, Amanda said, a bit sarcastically, “Are you really a woman?” The dead silence that met this question froze Amanda. For his entire youth and adult life, her husband had lived a lie, hiding his true identity and trying to be the man he was expected to be. Watching his daughter transition, though, had stirred something deep inside himself. If she could do this and be happy in her authentic self, maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him. It took Amanda’s direct question, though, to get him to actually say it out loud: “ I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body”. Amanda’s immediate reaction was “You’ve got to be kidding me” (well, with a few expletives thrown in). She was shocked, appalled, angry, scared – as anyone would be. However, their daughter’s experience had in some ways prepared Amanda for this concept, and after a few months of soul searching and mental and emotional adjustment, Amanda was ready to say to her husband, as she had said to her son: “I love you, and I’ll support you through this”. In the months that followed, her husband took an extended leave of absence from work and started wearing women’s clothes and just living as a woman. Their three children, although grieving the loss of a dad, actually seemed to embrace the idea of having two moms!
The couple had to decide, though, whether or not they still had a marriage. Amanda struggled and struggled with this question, on her own, with her spouse, with a counselor. It was a tough time for both of them.
Another surprise was in store for them, though: as her spouse embraced her feminine self, Amanda felt herself being more and more physically attracted to this new person. Working through her past, where she had been bullied as a child, never really fitting in anywhere, having a teenage sexual experience with another girl that ended in severe punishments for both girls - Amanda came to the realization that she was a lesbian. That’s about as far as I’m going to take that aspect of their relationship. Suffice it to say that Amanda and her partner had a celebration to renew their wedding vows and became two happily married women.
Right in the middle of all this emotional turmoil came the moment they had all been dreading: Amanda’s wife had to go back to work – as a woman. As a man working in a high tech job in an office, he had been well liked and respected; what would be the reaction to his appearance, in the same job, as a woman? The family was ready to provide as much home support as possible, but no one could predict how hard or how easy this day would be for her. Was society anywhere near ready to accept a transitioning woman? Would she be the object of ridicule by some, by many?
The answer came around noon, in a phone call to Amanda: her wife had approached her desk and been greeted with balloons and streamers and signs saying “Congratulations, Zoe, welcome back!”
That’s where I’ll end this story – although you can read it in detail in Amanda’s book: Love Lives Here – A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family. Amanda, you see, is an extremely talented writer – has been since she was a student in my Grade 10 writing class, years ago. Her best-selling book will have you laughing and crying – and perhaps changing your perception of the whole concept of transgender.
I have no idea what Amanda’s religious beliefs are - or, indeed, if she has any – but personally, I see the work of the Holy Spirit all over this story. Because this whole life experience, every word of it the truth, is all about love – love that transcends the perceptions of society; love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. That’s from first Corinthians 13, in case you don’t recognize it. It’s Jesus’ greatest commandment to us – and the new commandment which He gave to His disciples at the Last Supper: “Love one other, just as I have loved you”.
At the beginning of this sermon, I read you a statement from the ERC (Equal Rights Coalition) concerning the impact of this pandemic on marginalized groups. If you feel drawn to do something to support those marginalized groups, do some research, visit the church website and click on the article under News, click on some of those links – see what workshops you can attend, what letters you can write, what actions you can take.
But most importantly, look into your own heart. My former student and current friend, Amanda, her wife Zoe, and her precious family are not statistics; they’re not names on a list of ”other” folk. We’re all Amandas; we’re all Zoes; we’re all part of the human family. As Paul says to the Galatians: “There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male or female, for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.” Love one another, just as Christ loves us.
Amen